Not 8 lbs, but 25 lbs.

I thought that ridiculous bag of flour was 8 lbs. And after baking all evening with still half a bag left, I looked to see how much was inside. 25 lbs. It was at this point that I conceded defeat, and closed up my bake shop. There is no way, even though I am loony enough to try, to get through that entire bag in the remaining days I have left in this house. But as of this writing, I have three cakes and three assorted cookies to distribute.

I do find it fascinating the things that can take over your mind. For instance, I have been putting photos into albums--yes, this is the newest, ridiculous task that has taken hold--and have discovered to my horror that I have no pictures of my son blowing out his birthday cake candles for his 3rd birthday. These missing photos, which I couldn't find on any of the disks, has plagued me to no end. I know, I know, he will survive this tragedy. But still, I've torn apart my already disastrous office to try and locate them. Do I think that these missing photos will be the scar from his childhood to drive him to years on the couch? No, I'm not that insane. But still...it's something that will nag me for days, I'm certain.

I find it fitting that I've spent this time, aside from running around like a lunatic in a panic, taking stock of things: books, music, and our memories, by putting them into some semblance of order. I don't know why this compulsion has taken hold in such a strong manner. But somehow, these things getting organized calms me despite the house resembling more and more of a life coming to an end. This need to not only traverse those things that are as much about my past as this house, but also to place these items into some list, some machine, some book with plastic sleeves has made this transition easier to bear. Yes, the tasks themselves have made me a bit crazy. But again, I'm finding such comfort in all of it.

A neighbor came over yesterday with a gift, homemade, and to share in a glass of wine. These last, unscheduled visits have made me think about the actual day when we will get on that plane for good. And why so much of this is bittersweet.