Marriage--True Test of Character

Marriage is, next to parenting, the hardest undertaking of any individual. I don't believe the institution of marriage was created to survive the years we now live. The daily negotiation of marriage means you are part lawyer and part therapist. I've always said if my husband dies (God forbid, right?) or we divorce, I shall never, ever get married again. The thought of entering into another union where compromise is the constant theme seems downright crazy. When I say this, people laugh (usually uncomfortably), and then probably assume my marriage is profoundly unhappy.

Our marriage is no more unhappy or happy than the average marriage. My feelings, rather strong ones at that, have always percolated underneath my seemingly naturalness at domesticity. Most people know I didn't really want to get married. This resistance was not a comment on my husband, but rather the institution. I felt, and still do feel, women lose much more in marriage than men. Statistics are always coming out with figures that show men's longevity improving in marriages, whereas wives seemed to suffer all sorts of ailments when married. The new murkiness of gender roles has made it all the more difficult for women and men to maneuver expectations of this long held institution.

A new obsession in our house is a show called, "Mad Men." It is set in the world of advertising in the late 50's. The show could be a metaphor for any of the financial industries today where people are constantly hedging their morals and ethics for the bottom line. What's disconcerting about this show is how little marriage, or rather the strains between the two genders, has changed since this past era. Or let me rephrase by saying, how little these roles for husbands and wives have changed in certain sectors of our society--namely the upper-middle class. Yes, we have a viable female candidate for the Presidency. But within the walls of most gated homes, these deeply entrenched roles for men and women still persist. And in truth, I saw these traditional roles being played out ad nauseum in LA.

It was quite enlightening for me to see smart women, who had accepted this role of 'wife' so readily. The question of equality and why women's roles have, or have, not changed didn't seem to be of concern to most of these women. Those discussions and fights were for 'others,' not for their PTA crowd. They were only concerned dinner get on the table, and that their kids were chauffeured to their various after school activities. It was distressing to see their days relegated by driving and feeding duties, their entire intellectual life put away, if they ever had one.

My husband and I struggle constantly with the shifting roles of husbands and wives. It is something we address each time one of us gets pissed off at the other for some oversight of a household responsibility. We are, despite me working from home, a two career household, which creates all sorts of complications. I don't view my career of writing any less important than my husband's. If I were to say his career more important, well, I might as well give up writing entirely and succumb to motherhood, wivehood, and every other 'hood.' Re imagining marriage, or the roles within a marriage, takes courage and a certain cavalier attitude that what we create will, more than likely, be frowned upon or misunderstood by most people.

I've thought a great deal about these differences, and in context of how they seem to differ between what I witnessed in LA and here. I do find more women in NY who are professionals. I have not met many women of the 'those who lunch' crowd here. Most of the mothers at my son's school seem harried, tired, juggling working and taking care of their family--a true modern woman. And the ones who are not working seem to view motherhood as their job, so that they don't have a retinue of nannies to help them. But then I don't live on the Upper East Side where this may be more prevalent, women with help who shop and lunch as their main profession. Perhaps this has to do with the Protestant work ethic being such a foundation of life on the Eastern seaboard. Or perhaps it has to do with the expense of hiring nannies, which is not an issue in LA where cheap illegals can be exploited at a very affordable price, making what used to be mainly an upper-middle class option now an option for everyone.

I've also been thinking about marriage a great deal since I've been reading a book that looks into Post Victorian Marriages of writers in England. This book focuses mainly on the unique unions of writers and intellectuals as they try and redefine gender roles post-Victorian era. And how miserably they fail despite their efforts to redefine this institution. What's striking from reading this book is how far we've come and how little has changed, really. So, this balancing act that I am always living will hopefully become easier over time. Or it may not and I will still be grousing about the inequities between the genders, particularly within the confines of married life.