The Art of Friendship--Learned Behavior

The art of friendship is learned through your friend or friends--this I've learned these last few years. This behavior of conduct is not something natural, but learned through many years of being in friendships. From the earliest stages, you know that there is as much chemistry, kismet, attraction, and affection that draws two people to forge this bond that can be more intense, more intimate, and more honest than marriages, and certainly relationships with your siblings. Let's face it, some are better than others at the art of friendship. And then there are the masters, those who truly raise the bar when it comes to the commitment, empathy, love, and patience required in nurturing a long term friendship. I hope for everyone they are lucky enough to meet such a master once in their life because it will forever alter how you behave in friendships.

It has been my luck to have met my master, some seven years ago. Perhaps it was the timing of when we met--I was less adolescent, more ready for a relationship that was so equal in the giving and taking--or it was just one of those fated intersections. Whatever the reason, my master has continually shown me what it means to be a friend, and more importantly, how to be a friend. All of us behave in any relationship with some self service. Let's face it, we're all a bit selfish and narcissistic, some more than others. To truly give to another without strings attached is unique, if not an impossibility given our natures. Some of us like being needed--crisis mongers, they're so called--and swoop in when someone is in crisis, fueling their need to be in control. Some of us like to hear about other people's woes, not because we really care, but because it sometimes makes us feel better to know someone else's life is more f**ked than your own. Some like being given anything--attention, gifts, your time, your ear--with no ability to reciprocate in return. Some like being given a ready-made therapist. Some just need social outlets because they are incapable of being alone. Whatever the causes, most of us are guilty of some, if not each of these limitations, depending on the relationship. And each relationship serves the different selfish needs within us.

Then there are those, who arrive to help, not because they need to feel better about their lives, but who know no other way to be. They arrive for both celebrations and those tragedies that befall all of us: death, divorce, health crisis, depression. My master was just one of those individuals. Not only in our relationship was she so present, but I watched her behave in the same manner with each of her friends. Her ability to give of herself seemed boundless. She was the type of friend, who would cancel a lunch with me because another friend had suffered the loss of her aged mother. She knew no other way than to go sit with her friend suffering such an immense grief, which really is so unappealing compared to an afternoon of gossip and good food. And when she called to tell me, I knew if the situation were reversed--I, the grieving friend, the other the lunch date--she would do exactly the same thing. I sometimes marveled at her accessibility for each of us, and let me say, all of us knew what a treasure she is, so there is quite a coterie of us, vying for her attention. No one got any more or less attention, care, affection than the next. That's not to say, she suffered from some pathology where she didn't distinguish, but rather her ability to give was as immense as the lusciousness of Versailles. Because of this first hand experience with my master, I've become a different kind of friend--the kind that is more present, giving, selfless, and patient, or rather, my efforts to be all of these things have reached a new level of consciousness in me.

Today was our last lunch together. Up till now, I have shed very few tears about leaving. If I cried each time I had a last dinner, coffee, or lunch with someone, well, I would have been a mess for an entire month. The tears came today. The thought of not seeing her, even if a couple times a month for our lunches, is a loss I will grieve for a long time. I know we will see one another again since we both love to travel. Yet the immediacy of being a mere twenty minutes apart is now gone forever. We will have to cram in a weekend, or a week long rendez vous, all that defines our friendship. We will now be friends, who live 3000 miles apart. Yet I know, if I called with a crisis, she is the one person who would make time for me, whether by sitting on the phone or arranging a visit. See, she's the master, and she simply knows no other way to be. I wish for each of you, just such a friend once in your lifetime.